


A Horse Of Course

by NotTheHotPot



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Mister Ed (TV), the mister ed show
Genre: Attempt at Humor, BDSM, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Bestiality, Bondage, Comedy, Dubious Consent, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/M, Heavy BDSM, Horse Jokes, Horses, Humor, Magic, Other, Rough Sex, Sex with Sentient Animals, Sexual Humor, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Unrealistic Sex, Unreliable Narrator, Weird Biology, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:33:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26728969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotTheHotPot/pseuds/NotTheHotPot
Summary: A talking horse tells an annoyed interviewer his story, these are her notes.
Relationships: Cho Chang/Horse
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	A Horse Of Course

"I'm one of them talking horses." The horse said.

"My, I never would have guessed." The woman sitting on the fence of a field said drolly, pen and notepad in hand as she diligently wrote down this utter garbage of a story.

"Very funny but you're writing this down right? This here interview is the framing device- why do I have to be the one to explain it to you?" Shut up glue.

The woman huffed. "Fine fine, so you're a horse-"

"Of course, of course." The horse interrupted.

The woman glared at the horse who didn't look the least bit sheepish.

After all...

He was a horse.

Of course.

Bastard.

Finally the woman realized the stripe-less discount zebra wasn't and wouldn't become the least bit sorry she sighed.

"Fine, and you can talk- but you say you have a story that _tops_ that?"

"Of course!"

"Ugh.. I watched that stupid show too you know, you can cut it out now!"

"...Of course!"

"I see why most horses don't talk, it turns out that it's a mercy from God!"

"Ouch! Vicious ain't cha? Fine, I was getting to it, hold your horse. Please?"

"You aren't mine and if you were you'd be glue by now, just tell the story or I leave."

The stupid horse huffed as the beautiful woman felt a headache coming on.

"Fine. So, I was running. I like running, it's sort of like galloping but with more feet on the ground. I ain't the steadiest of horse you see. Then out of no where I slip on a turtle and-"

"Is the turtle alright?" The caring heroic reporter asked in a hurry.

"Oh, no, he dead."

"That's awful!" The woman said in horror and outrage at the innocence lost.

"You sure do write fast lady."

"Thank you but.. what happened next?" The woman said reluctantly putting her love of all life (excluding horses that talked) to the wayside for her sworn duty to tell the people what they want to know.

"Oh, I fell. It sucked you know, especially my leg breaking. I don't like glue factories and only a monster would bring them up around a horse- glue is like our N word only not as bad just because we're horses and not people. Like being people is so great."

The reporter was astonished someone would bring up glue factories. She would never- ah, I forgot the white out. ( ~~(Grab some white-out on the way home.)~~ ) ((Buy a shredder and find a new career!))

"Do go on horse." The beautiful reporter said with a forced but charming smile.

"I have a a name you know, it's just stupid so I never say it."

"...Okay then horse-with-a-name..." ((That's so lame, I wonder if his name is literally 'Stupid?' Ask his owner.))

"Can you get on with the story?" The reporter asked kindly to this poor pitiful idiot of a creature cursed with the ability to talk.

..I'm really going to have to remember to rewrite this whole article aren't I? The transition from reporter to magazine-reporter is a challenge- no one told me there'd be talking horses or I'd have chosen another career.

"Right, so there I am, soon to be glue only waiting for a human with a gun to finish me off. One came to do just that. Still remember what she said to me that day. Okay, and uh, here I want you to go to a first person story of me."

"What, like start off "I was lying in the field and saw a woman- at first I thought she was going to shoot me to put me out my misery..."

"Yeah yeah, that's gold!" The horse said and I recorded lest he go back on his words, I am not rewriting this crap more than i have to.

* * *

I was lying in the field and saw a woman- at first I thought she was going to shoot me to put me out my misery.

I'd tripped on a turtle.

The turtle didn't make it to my grief.

Judging by my broken leg and the human I wouldn't be making it either.

"Oh you poor dear!"

I'm not the smartest of creatures but even I know that was wrong, I'm not a deer, I'm a horse... but if it saved me from the glue factory I'd pretend to be whatever she wanted.

She then took out a stick and waved it about. Did she think I was a dog now?

I can't play fetch, I'm too busy with the broken leg thing.

But.. it felt fine.

"Huh?"

"I healed you and gave you the ability to talk." The girl said cheerfully.

"...Why?" I asked. People don't heal horses, and they don't give them the ability to talk other than in TV.

"Um.. so, it's kinda... weird but.. well, I like horses."

"Oh! You want a ride!"

For some reason she turned red.

Humans do that a lot around me. Still don't know why.

"No, um, I want to, well, have sex with you."

* * *

"You can't seriously expect me to write this!"

"Why not?"

"It's- it's nasty!"

"Have you tried it?"

"No!"

"Then how do you know?"

"Because- because you're a horse, you don't bathe regularly enough or wash it thoroughly, you can't!"

"Eh, it's magically clean, she was good witch."

"Yeah, as if magic's real." 

"Lady, how the hell do you think I'm talking to you?"

"Just get on with the story." I told the idiot horse.

The damned horse had a point, I need to remove this part later, I sounded like an idiot here.

* * *

"Okay."

"R-really, just like that?"

"I like sex."

"Me too, alright, hold on to yourself." She said.

"How, I don't have hands or-"

It was uncomfortable and confusing but we were elsewhere in an instant.

"Neat."

"Thanks.. Um.. I thought we'd do it in here." She said- seeming almost ashamed.

I don't know why, it was a nice barn.

Dry and warm.

Plenty of fresh hay and even some carrots apples and sugar cubes.

Speaking of sugar cubes the girl had a bowl of them and had shed her fur- didn't know humans could do that.

She then got on a strange platform that spread her lover hooves apart and placed the sugar cubes inside her vagina.

"Okay, what I want you to do is to lick the sugar cubes out- all of them, then mount me until you cum, got that?"

"Yes!" That sounded fun.

She nodded and waved her stick at her mouth a strange bit was suddenly in her mouth.

She then waved her stick again and all of a sudden four snakes- no, they were lassos came out and tied her limbs to the strange chair.

She then tossed the stick aside with a flick of her strange hooves.

I blinked, guess it was time to start.

I never tried licking there on horses much less a human but there was sugar inside there.

Sugar!

She neighed louder than many mares did during full mating, she must have liked it as much as I liked the sugar cubed I retrieved one after another.

It was tasty, and so were her juices.

She neighed louder and louder before appearing spent.

I almost felt bad for mounting her but it had gotten me in the mood.

She was shaking her head as I was doing my best to line up without crushing her before finally managing it.

She neighed real loud- louder than I ever heard in my life but it was so unbelievably tight I couldn't help keep going.

But.. it was only most of the way in.

So I put my weight in on it.

She neighed so loud then stopped going still even as I started fucking her in earnest only for her to rise up neighing even louder struggling to get away but my instinct toward mating don't have an off switch

I came. Best sex of my life.

Stepped on her stick on the way out, she's mine now but she needs human food and I need to make money on this story.

* * *

The horse was put down turned into glue and this reporter recovered enough to release this, the last thing I'll ever write. As a reporter. I'm moving on to erotica.

The woman identified as one Cho Chang survived and escaped the hospital through unknown means.

Cho Chang is still at large and has been seen in several farms and zoos in the tri-city area and is wanted for questioning for reasons that should be obvious. 

The horse, of course.


End file.
